K Q Nacht, a leading investment bank, downgraded its assessment of the US economy from "Might Be Screwed" to "Really Screwed" with a "Does It Matter" outlook.
Global Strategy Head of K Q Nacht, Mr Jonathan Iamdone emphasized the change in the tone of the Fed Chairman in his recent testimony to the House Banging Services Committee.
"The Chairman used the term 'unusually uncertain' in describing the economic outlook, while the market consensus was for 'certainly unusual'. K Q Nacht uses a proprietary semantic parser that constructs the Policymaker Verbal Surprise Index, which shows that this phrase introduced a downward bias of 0.031% in our projections. We are accordingly downgrading our assessment of the US economy"
In other news, the messiah of funda-mental investors, Mr Darren La Carte, has reiterated that he continues to be bullish on equities. "Augmented US unemployment at 16% is very bullish for equities, as companies will have no business to conduct and will sit on a pile of cash which will be shown as perpetual net profit every year"
The Darren La Carte of India, Mr Mahesh Rattlewala, echoes similar sentiments. "I think India is decoupled from the rest of the world. Banks are able raise foreign money at 500 bps over LIBOR. Of course, they may not be able to lend to anyone at those rates, but atleast they are able to raise."
Petrified Bank of India Governor, E Shaamkolao reiterated that Indian food price inflation would come down and hence there was no need for monetary tightening. "Potatoes, from current prices of Rs 105 / kg, will start costing Rs 110 / kg - a clear reduction in food price inflation from 10% to 5%. Of course, people not being able to buy at these prices at all, is a separate trivial issue. Inflation would have come down and hence we must keep interest rates low."
Separately, the Committee of European Banging Supermisers published the results of its stress tests late yesterday night. The summary states "We do not foresee any double dip, except in chocolate..."